As she began to develop medical problems in her senior years, Scotty Elliott moved in with her son John for some extra support and comfort. As her condition worsened, John became her full-time caregiver, something he has in common with one in five Americans, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving.
“My dad and my brother were lost in accidents years ago,” he said, “so my mom and I kind of teamed up throughout life. Later, when she broke her hip, I had to be there for her in every way totally.”
Forced to quit work so he could provide around-the-clock care, he quickly found himself overwhelmed as he attended to all of her health needs while having to do the daily chores like cooking and cleaning.
“I knew that I wasn’t going to get any help because there wasn’t anybody else there,” he said, “I just kind of bucked up and took it on, but it was much more than you would ever think it could be. It got to the point where I had to do everything for her because she was incapable of taking care of herself.”
Considering himself to be an athlete in good shape, the stress began to add up as Smith suffered from both physical and mental exhaustion. “It was an honor to take care of her, but you can forget to take care of yourself,” he said. “I had one day, one afternoon, and one complete 24-hour period off in the six years I took care of her. I fainted several times because I was so tired and worn out.”
What Elliott went through is a very common experience, said Vanessa Aguilera-Viorato, a family consultant at Del Mar Caregiver Resource Center (DMCRC), saying the most difficult part of being a family caregiver is losing yourself as a person.
“You are not being able to do what you like,” she said. “You are not putting yourself first, and you might be pulled between your kids and your aging parent, just stuck in the middle and not necessarily fitting in anywhere.”
It is very important that home caregivers get help with what they are going through, but the more isolated a caregiver feels, Aguilera-Viorato, says, the harder it is to reach out for assistance
“Even if they have siblings,” she said, “they might not have their support or support from any other family member. As a caregiver, they might feel like they are burdening others and won’t ask for help. They feel like nobody else understands them and nobody else is going through a similar situation.”
On Nov. 5, the DMCRC is hosting a free Caregiver University Conference to try to link family caregivers with organizations and resources that might be able to assist them in their work. From 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., at the Tides Hotel in Monterey, representatives from local organizations, including the Alzheimer’s Association, the Health Projects Center, the Alliance on Aging, and the Monterey County Department of Social Services, will talk about the different resources that are available to family caregivers and ways they can connect to them.
“It will be a day of learning in a relaxed setting where we can make some community connections,” she said. “It will also be a chance to celebrate and recognize family caregivers who go above and beyond their duties and let them know that they are doing great work. They need to congratulate themselves because they have given so much of themselves, which not everybody is able to do. You are one person who may sometimes have taken on that role for an entire family, and the needs to be acknowledged.”
Elliott says he tried to find help but could not afford professional caregivers and lacked the time to seek help.
“I could have used more hands-on support,” he said. “I tried to find assistance through the county, but I did not know where to start. I found out that there was a program where I could take my mom to lunch and leave her there for a couple of hours, but I could not manage it. I wish I had known more about the services I could have gotten.”
Respite services, such as the lunch program that Elliott referred to, are available through the DMCRC, when care can be provided for a few hours either at a licensed location or through an individual who comes to the home. They also can provide educational programs, support groups, and legal consultation to help a home caregiver find better footing as they go forward in the difficult job of taking care of someone who cannot take care of themselves.
It’s important for caregivers to seek help rather than try to do everything by themselves, Aguilera-Viorato said. “You can’t help others if you don’t first help yourself, and you probably will not be making the best decisions when you are not in a good place in your life. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it is the right thing to do for your own sake and for the person you are caring for.”
Tickets for the Caregiver University Conference 2022 are available free of charge on the DMCRC website. The event will be held live from 9 a.m to noon at the TidesHotel at 600 Sand Dunes Dr. in Monterey and it will also be streamed. To learn more, go to the DMCRC website.
BenitoLink thanks our underwriters, Health Projects Center and Del Mar Caregivers for helping expand our senior health coverage. Health Projects Center supports more reporting on senior health issues and solutions in San Benito County. All editorial decisions are made by BenitoLink.
Since 1988, Del Mar Caregiver Resource Center (CRC) has served families of persons living with neurological conditions such as Alzheimer’s Disease, Parkinson’s disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Stroke, Traumatic Brain Injury and other conditions that cause memory loss and confusion.
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