I have been blessed in my life that I have never known what it is to go a day without a meal. I have never experienced hunger pains that I couldn’t satisfy with a trip to Taco Bell or my refrigerator. And for that, I am truly thankful.
I have, however, experienced a different kind of hunger. It is a hunger way down deep in your soul. It is a hunger that cannot be satisfied with such temporary fixes as a Coke, pepperoni pizza, or a Snickers bar. It is a hunger that has an insatiable appetite. It demands attention, love, and acceptance. And it will go to any lengths to get it. This is the hunger that a soul develops from being abused, abandoned, or neglected.
You see, my mother never wanted to be a mom. She never wanted to take care of children. And she reminded me of that fact every day of my childhood. My mom said and did a lot of hurtful things to me as I was growing up, but her most often disparagement was, “I’m so disappointed in you.” In retrospect, I think she was actually disappointed with herself and her own life, but chose to take it out on me.
When we grow up knowing that our mother or our father never wanted us, sometimes we develop a voracious hunger for love and acceptance that drives us to search in all the wrong places. Sometimes it drives us to hang around people only because they are willing to hang around us. Sometimes it drives us to eat, drink, run away, get married, have an affair, have children, not have children, move away, or many other ways to fill that void. But what we end up doing is creating a bigger void when the temporary pain-killer wears off and we find ourselves feeling abandoned, rejected or alone once again. In the end, we end up hurting ourselves over and over again.
After many years of searching, I have learned a better way to feeding those hunger pains is to love ourselves. When we can stop looking outside of ourselves for love, acceptance, and approval, and we can wholly and completely embrace and believe in ourselves, then we can move on from our destructive past and look forward to a healthy future. When we bring our whole, healed self back into the world, we will attract others to us who are also seeking a healthy, positive relationship.
If you want to learn more, here are some resources …
Emmaus House Domestic Violence Shelter: www.emmaushouse.net
Domestic Violence Hotline: 877-778-7978, 636-7224
Community Solutions: www.communitysolutions.org 637-1094
San Benito Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition
email: catherinef@cosb.us phone: 637-5367
Community Food Bank of San Benito County: www.communityfoodbankofsbc.org 637-0340