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In a stunning revelation this week, only to me, it was disclosed that former IRS director of the Exempt Organizations Unit, Lois Lerner, who became the center of storm when she took the fifth during congressional hearings on the political targeting by the tax agency, has a new government job – she is working for the CIA.

As a reminder, Lerner was caught planting a question with a reporter so she could leak information about IRS policies regarding certain tax exempt organizations, but when called to testify on the subject under oath she refused and was held to be in contempt of Congress.That prompted being put on administrative leave – with pay, of course. So Lerner has been sitting around and basically doing nothing for her pay check while Congress tries to figure out how to make her talk. She wants immunity and they want to put her in prison; it’s been a standoff. Subpoenaed records of her official dealings during that period have conveniently disappeared.

It has now come to light that the CIA decided they could use Lerner’s special talents. A CIA spokesperson, Agent X, who must stay anonymous because he is not authorized to speak publically for the agency, provided me with exclusive details of Lerner’s duties. “We hired her at the CIA because Ms. Lerner has a very special talent we have not been able to find anywhere else,” said Agent X, “once she walks into a room all the email files just disappear.”

“You can’t imagine how valuable that can be for us and for the NSA (National Security Agency),” he went on. “Both agencies are trying to hide things from Congress all the time. Do you have any idea of how many illegally obtained emails we’ve got stored over there at the NSA? Trillions and trillions of them and we must make them disappear without a trace before Congress sees them – we can’t break the hard drives fast enough using conventional means.”

“In one test, we put a couple of thousand Justin Bieber intercepts and some communications I just happened to stumble upon between my ex-wife to her new boyfriend on a hard drive and just invited Lois into the room for a cup of coffee and WHAMMO – all gone. It was amazing.”

“It gets better; not only can she erase all local copies of an email, somehow all the originals disappear too; now that is really something.”
“I mean emailing Lois is like wiring up a stick of dynamite, the energy runs back of the wire and the hard drive on the other computer crashes just like clockwork. All evidence of the original email is gone from the biggest, baddest, record keepers on the entire planet.”

“Another thing, when she’s around everyone forgets what the emails said. They turn into Sergeant Schultz from “Hogan’s Heroes” – they know nothing, they have seen nothing, and they have heard nothing.  ‘I don’t remember’ combined with ‘I can’t find my emails’ can now effectively stymie any investigation on any subject.”

“We are testing right now to see if her magic works on foreign email systems too.  If it does we’re going to send her down to the Russian Embassy to apply for a visa – can you imagine the chaos?”

Your reporter –
Marty Richman